Let's Consider The End, Before We Begin.

In goal setting, someone is always saying, "Hey, keep the end in mind."

We're going to do that here, but in a different way.

It's time to talk about the big 'D.'

Death.

Ok, yeah, scary topic - and I'm sure it's one that might have you wanting to stop reading and do something else suddenly.  But there's no getting around it: You're going to die.  Someday. And hopefully quite a long, long time from now.  But one never knows.

The point here is not to scare you or make you sad - it's to remind you that we all have a finite time on this Earth.  And sometimes acting like we are eternal and will be here forever is a really big deterrent to living well.  Why?  Because if you have endless years ahead - why go workout?  The treadmill and weights are there tomorrow.  That big project you've always wanted to do?  There's plenty of time for it later.  And so on.

So okay, I'm sure we all get the point now: live our dreams today because tomorrow is promised to no one.  Well, yes, that's part of it.  But it's more the point to wake up and snap to attention about the choices we are making in our lives.  Every day we choose what to eat, who to call or email, to go to work or not - a thousand different decisions.

None of those decisions are necessarily bad or good - in fact one man's bad may be another man's paradise.  But if we wander through life not paying attention, how will we know?

And big decisions will come up - usually unexpectedly.

The best way to prepare for those moments is to have a firm grasp on what you want out of life and who you are before they come along.

The bad news?  All the preparation in the world won't really help you.  Sucks, huh?  That's the real world answer, and I won't lie and say to you that preparation is the only way to live.

Remember my earlier example of the roller coaster?  You can mentally plan it out and it might help some, but ultimately when you are on that coaster- you're ON it.  And five seconds after it takes off, all your rationality and reason are going to go out the door.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing.  It just means you have to get used to the idea that new things are always going to pop up and push you in a direction.  

It doesn't mean that you have to like it - after all, you can always not ride the coaster in the first place.  But life will force you to make decisions anyway.  So do you live in anticipation? Or dread?

And there are times in life you can absolutely make some shitty choices and have to experience the consequences.  There's some value in that too - and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.  A broken heart, for example, is a very private and personal thing.  Maybe the rest of the world doesn't "get it."  And if they don't, screw them.  They aren't living your life.  They are living theirs.  You have to be happy, or happy as you can be.

Like I said, sometimes living unconditionally means you are gonna fall flat on your face, hard on the pavement.  Only you can decide, keeping YOUR end in mind, if you want the experience you are being offered.  And the interpretation is YOUR experience as well.  Ultimately, you get to decide what things meant in your life at The End.  No one else - not your partner, family or friends - can do that.  They can advise you, talk to you, beg you, all of that.  But ultimately, you are still free to make the choice to see things as you want to.  

And that's a good thing.

That's freedom.

Don't ever just give that up without a fight.

Yes, it sucks to lose, but we all die in The End.  So why not live your life the way you see it?  The way you want it? 

Lady Gaga mentioned this philosophy in her Marry the Night video: why tell the boring truth about your life when the re-envisioning of it is so much better?  After all, it's your life!  And I think her point was: sometimes our life, boring and day-to-day as it can be now and then, is a lot cooler than we give it credit for.  So if we remember it a little more fantastic than it was, doesn't it raise the average from what we really think it is?

Give it a shot, and make yourself a little more cool.  A little more awesome.

The worst than can happen is that you might actually be right! 

Thought for The Day

At any time during your story you have the right to say "This is not how my story shall end," and then you can begin composing a new one. - Anonymous

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

So where do we begin on this journey?

One of my favorite movies of all-time is the Wizard of Oz.  It's a great parable for starting out on the road of living unconditionally.  Dorothy starts out living her life day to day on the farm - more or less concerned just with the things that are affecting her.  Like most of us, she's daydreaming about a better life somewhere else, wanting things to happen but not understanding why they aren't.  

This doesn't make her a bad person, mind you.  It just means that she is wrapped up in her own little world.  She's courteous and sweet.  But it takes a trip through Oz before she realizes her good life has been sitting right there in front of her all along - waiting to be appreciated.

The same is true for her friends, by the way, as she is hardly alone on this road of discovery.  It always struck me funny even as a child that the Wizard never really does anything for the Scarecrow, Tin Man or Lion.  He gives them symbols (or totems) of what they were seeking - but aside from that bit of external validation, they each had what they wanted inside all along: the Scarecrow was always smart, the Tin Man always had heart, and the Lion always had courage.  (And especially the Lion, because I argue that true courage is not being fearless, but having the resolve to do what you need to do when it is the right thing to do despite the fear.)

Each of her friends discovers their gifts in a moment of selfless love trying to protect Dorothy - and in that moment, they were being truly unconditional.  And see how it changes their lives - we know that this is something that will lead them to happiness at the end of the story.

And what about Dorothy?

At first she is happy for the company - but make no mistake, she's wanting to get home.  Her best, most well-intentioned invitations to join her to see the Wizard come from not wanting to be alone and from a desire for security.

But when the you-know-what hits the fan and they are trapped in the witches castle about to be tortured, only then does it dawn on her that she has lost her way again.  Her selfish desire to get back as fast as possible no matter what, no matter how - though completely understandable - has put all of her new friends at risk.

And even after they are saved, Dorothy still looks outside of herself for the answers: when she redeems the Wizard's offer and return the witches broom it's important to note, she's not given what she thought she was going to get.  

There was a man behind the curtain, and there was never a valid bargain.

It finally takes Dorothy being happy for her friends and being selfless for her to get the truth: the power to go home was inside of her all along.  And Glinda the Good Witch tells her in that moment she could have told her earlier but Dorothy wouldn't have believed her.  Some people have to do it the hard way to get the lesson.

When Dorothy goes back - yes, the world is back to its black and white everyday, humdrum, boring existence.  But now Dorothy realizes the gift, and to her now its more precious to her than Oz with all of its wonder and majesty ever were.  Her gratitude and simple acceptance of this moment has connected with generations across the world over since the films release decades ago.

This simple film, more than any other, is almost always on the top of the critics best movie lists of all time.  Why?  The graphics are all right, but nothing compared to what they can do today.  The story is rather straightforward and simple.

I believe it's because we as an audience collectively get Dorothy's journey as our own.  We want our lives to be exciting and full of meaning.  And to that end, we will run away from home, be pushy, be selfish, and totally only caring about what we get out of it in the end.

But it's only when we step out of ourselves and start caring about others that the magic REALLY happens.  And witches and wizards might get in our way and slow us down, but in the end it's up to us to have our happy ending.  The great news is that it's possible, especially when we take our immediate wants and desires out of it and start caring about more than just ourselves.

And just like Dorothy, we will find that all we had to do was just that - and click our heels three times for good luck.

The next thing you know, you'll be right where you belong.

You'll be home.

Being Unconditional - It's a Worthy Journey

Welcome to my experiment.  

It's not easy being unconditional - there's a lot in our world that forces us to try and live lives full of quid-pro-quo (this for that) bartering:  Make great art, but do it for the money.  Work out and eat right, but care more about what others think.

Love someone, but only do it if you get something out of it.  Even if it's just their love in return.

But the irony is, that's not what life is all about.  In fact, I was hit hard with these realizations a few years after life hit me with some great and not-so-great experiences.  They all came at once and affected every corner of my life: my career, my family, my friends, my spirituality, and my love life.

It took awhile to learn the common thread that connected them all: the zen-like nature of Unconditionality.  

I learned to my eternal joy and my everlasting sorrow that love that is real comes unbidden.  There is no deciding, no choice involved in whether or not you love someone.  What choice there is however is in you deciding to recognize and abide it, or to shun it - or worse, to ask something of it.  There's something powerful in simply loving someone and accepting them for who they are.  When you don't try to change them, don't try to barter with them, you don't try to stack the odds in your favor selfishly - even when you mean it with the best intent.

The only way I can describe it is like riding a roller coaster with your hands up in the air. There's a freedom that adds to the experience that cannot be channelled, faked or duplicated otherwise.  And once you have felt it, you can't go back.  Nothing else will do.

Over time, and because of this really amazing relationship, I learned that living unconditionally could be applied to other areas of my life: my career, my friendships, my health.  That's because being unconditional applies to being in a relationship and you have a relationship with each of those things that is deep and meaningful - whether you know it or not. Maybe right now, for some of those in your life, it's a bad one - bit it doesn't have to be that way forever.

You can start today to change all of that.

And that's what this blog is all about: learning bit by bit how to grow every day.  Maybe you don't throw your hands into the air when launched into the air at a theme park at first - maybe you just start remembering what it was like to ride a bike the first time.  I had to have my Dad let go of the bike for me to really ride free.  I had to risk falling in order to feel the wind on my face, and to race around my neighborhood, seeing sights I had never seen before.

At some point as adults we forget that - and sometimes we forget on purpose because you DO fall now and then when you are learning to ride that unconditional bike.  And sometimes it hurts, really bad.  There's no guarantees.  You could find yourself smack down on the pavement.  Or worse.

But you could also find yourself with the love of your life, in their arms. 

You could find yourself in a career you love, or at least like a lot more.

You could deepen your relationships, because they won't be all about you.  You'll be there and enjoying your part - but you'll find the joy is in seeing the other person have their half.

And I think you will find that the greatest joy comes from realizing that these things happen at all - even if they end or are finite.  If you go on this journey with me, I bet you'll discover that.  

It changes you dramatically to find that you ARE the kind of person that puts your hands up on the coaster of life.  But in the end, I found it to be worth it.  

To that end, I'm going to focus this year on fully living unconditionally.

What does that mean?

Maybe it means just remembering to call someone out of the blue I wasn't planning to, or had no reason to.  Maybe it means unleashing my creativity and making something I don't know if other people will care for.  Maybe it means I tell someone special how I really feel about them.

The great thing about living unconditionally is that the roller coaster never ends until you die.  You just have to decide if you're going to go for it.

So for 365 days I'm going to unchain my expectations as much as I can.  I welcome the dialogue and the feedback.  I am by no means perfect or a "guru."  I'm just someone who found a doorway, and its to another.  And it's been a great ride so far.  I think the best is yet to come.

Time to get to work.  There's a lot to do.

- Jim